Greif is supposed to have predictable patterns. What I don't get is how I can still be grieving for a relationship after all this time when I no longer miss HIM. I don't want Keith back and I'm fairly certain I wouldn't take him back if he tried to come back. All I feel for him anymore really is a sadness that he chose so hurtful and cowardly away out of our relationship that we could probably never be friends. So the question is why am I still so sad? Why do new people still not come close to touching my life or my heart.
I'm sure part of it must have to do with broken trust which, admittedly, is not all about him. People have been disappointing me for a long time and I keep letting them have more chances to disappoint. I have conditioned myself to the point that I don't know how to let new people in anymore. I WANT new freinds. I want to be living life differently but I don't know how. Even the friends I have left begin to say I'm a little cold and distant.
I miss the feeling of being in a relationship with someone that I care aboutand having the fun of shared interests and shared friends to enjoyably fill time. I miss comfortable silence in a house occupied companionably by someone else doing something else but knowing he is there. I miss feeling I am loved and wanted for me by someone I LOVE. I want to be loved and wanted but not NEEDED 24/7 and I want to want and love some one the same way . I miss a time back in time when I trusted that same someone.
Most of all I'm terrified that that was my third strike... I'm out. The possibility of being that close to someone again seems further with each passing day instead of closer and I am still so ANGRY with him for that. For ruining my belief in a happy future.
Friday, October 15, 2010
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