Auld Lang Sign.. or how ever it is spelleds

ok... so no secret its been a long and rocky roa?d. i ill never not love keith, kevin or josh but in some ways their impacts on my life are either connected to their live but peripherally or impacting on my behavior but indirectly. it is my perception that for the most part the thoma family of le claire iowa would cheerfully hang me out to fry... or dry as the case may be. ironically the step family from durant iowa seemed to genuinely welcome me with open arms. i recently leared that oliver hansen,most recently of durant iowa, has passed away. he was a man who gave of himself wholely to his every project and to every conversation. he made me feel as if my thoughts and oppinions mattered and that my future plans had merrit. most of all he made me feel welcome ina family that was not mine hundreds of miles away. nearly a year after his death i discover i owe him a memeorial and i also owe him my belated grief.

rip oliver and chrystol hansen. life did not make us families but my heart sure did.

Life... or something like it

Greif is supposed to have predictable patterns. What I don't get is how I can still be grieving for a relationship after all this time when I no longer miss HIM. I don't want Keith back and I'm fairly certain I wouldn't take him back if he tried to come back. All I feel for him anymore really is a sadness that he chose so hurtful and cowardly away out of our relationship that we could probably never be friends. So the question is why am I still so sad? Why do new people still not come close to touching my life or my heart.

I'm sure part of it must have to do with broken trust which, admittedly, is not all about him. People have been disappointing me for a long time and I keep letting them have more chances to disappoint. I have conditioned myself to the point that I don't know how to let new people in anymore. I WANT new freinds. I want to be living life differently but I don't know how. Even the friends I have left begin to say I'm a little cold and distant.

I miss the feeling of being in a relationship with someone that I care aboutand having the fun of shared interests and shared friends to enjoyably fill time. I miss comfortable silence in a house occupied companionably by someone else doing something else but knowing he is there. I miss feeling I am loved and wanted for me by someone I LOVE. I want to be loved and wanted but not NEEDED 24/7 and I want to want and love some one the same way . I miss a time back in time when I trusted that same someone.

Most of all I'm terrified that that was my third strike... I'm out. The possibility of being that close to someone again seems further with each passing day instead of closer and I am still so ANGRY with him for that. For ruining my belief in a happy future.

I'm with the band....

Seriously?? For a while I thought the phrase was cute. When WITH the band meant something different than the t-shirt. Tonight i watched the Little BIG Town special on GAC and somehow i got sad and angry. Music looks glamorous and fairy tale... but its not. long hours... late nights... distant towns and strange women take their tole on the entertainer's real life. The GROUPIE is as much to blame as the musician for an indiscretion.... but there is NEVER any excuse... "honey i didn't KNOW" she was 1 7 is NOT an excuse... its stalling. And I fell for it for 3more years. The Little Big town song... it so echoed how i felt about music in the beginning... and it is what I laugh at now. There are so many people I want to love in music. So many people I saw through the the rose colored glasses of love and country music romance. I wonder how many of my friends were as fake as my dreams?

The song remembers when...

Its funny how you romanticize friendsips of the past until the memories you carry bears very little resemblance to the reality of the past. A hard lesson learned this year is that friendships that ended or even that just drifted away did so for a very good reason and it actually is OK to let them go. An even harder concept to grasp is the concept of making new friends. For whatever reason I draw needy people to me and in a year I needed to make use of my time healing myself i had precious little time to do it while dealing with OPP (in this case Other Peoples Problems :) .

Power of a word

Tonight I had the pleasure of realizing that no matter how obscure my words... words have power. On a daily basis I feel the power of a compliment, a criticism, love, hate, frustration and grief and all of this is just at work. I guess I should feel ashamed of how many times i find humor in the WORDs and actions of those I serve... but really if insanity is the alternative where's the harm. On the flip side... It truly drives home the reality that my words can wound... uplift... destroy... or save. And everyday I take for granted the power I have over another's Psyche.

pershaps i should reread my Erikson....

Lauren

Party like it's....

Well hell I guess I'm about 11 years too late for that huh?Last year saw too many hard changes but I guess you have to come out the other side to to realize the extent of the drama. There's no denying the pain was gut wrenching but it's a relief to be able to say, for the most part I'm over it. Not that I'd volunteer for Keith and I to be friends, heck I still think he's a lying cheating weasel and an opportunistic user of the first order, but at least the mere mention of him doesn't stab like an ice pick and I no longer have random urges to pick up the phone and call at 1 am when I can't sleep again. Oh and YAY!!! after a year I'm sleeping again :)

Dating as ever is strange. I've met wonderful guys, and maybe it's me... but everyone seems to be in a rush. I reconnected with the college exfiance (now married with kids) on facebook and realized how the most solid relationships I had weren't based on empiracle match worthiness on paper. We had the ability to have a really deep conversation. We shared a give and take on a level that didn't judge ideas, but rejoiced in creating them, shaping them and sharing them. I know at almost 30 I ain't getin' younger... but I still want to marry my best friend and not just settle for not being alone.

No more time in wanna be paradise...

I"m no longer deluded... no one follows what I post. Not the Indie writers I thought were my friends or the undiscovered musicians. Not the man, Keith Thoma, that I thought was the one or my family who tries to love me. I've speant the last four years of my life chase chasing the shadow of a dream promised by the biggest poseur on earth. He's a Don Henley copy cat for a living... don't know why I thought it could ever be real and I damn sure don't know how I could let a wanna be steal and shred my heart. The musician's ex's should band together and form a support group... bind THE WOUNDS!!